Diapers are very kid-friendly. Toddlers (kids ages 2 to 3) love the luxury and

convenience of a diaper. Diapers enable toddlers to play with no side trips to the

restroom. With all there is to explore, diapers are a real time saver for kids!

Toddlers like other perks that come with diapers, too. It’s handy having someone

else deal with the messy details. And if they’re lucky, toddlers are diapered with

loving patience. That makes for cozy parent-child interactions. For kids in child

care, diapering is an opportunity for individualized care. I love to watch kids smile

and giggle during diapering. They get their belly tickled, their bottom powdered

— all while being sweetly serenaded with Mother Goose rhymes. Who would

want to give up the diaper?

But, of course, they must. Living in civilization requires it. It’s one of life’s challenges

that must be met if kids are to achieve independence and fit in socially.

And so, this Parenting Exchange column series explores the nuts and bolts of

toilet training. Using the toilet is old hat to you and me; but for kids, it’s a major

lifestyle change!

Timing has a lot to do with beginning toilet training. If you start before kids are

physically ready, they fail through no fault of their own. If you start too late — and

I’ve heard as late as kindergarten age — kids are so used to dirty diapers that

they’re apathetic and highly resistant to any changes. That’s called missing the

“window of opportunity” when learning comes most easily.

For most kids, potty training should begin between ages 2 and 3, when

developmental abilities and self-motivation to cooperate indicate readiness.

Parenting Exchange library column, “Toilet Training: Signs that indicate prime

time for potty training” lists behaviors, attitudes, and abilities that need to be

present before toilet training should begin.

Begin training when life is stable and relatively stress-free. Even positive events,

such as relatives visiting or a vacation, can interfere with toilet training. During

potty training, maintain regular and predictable family routines. Stability in child

care arrangements is important, too. Avoid potty training during major life

changes, such as moving to a new home, during a family illness, hospitalization, or

immediately after a death. If a new sibling is on the way, try to accomplish potty

training before the birth, or wait a few months after so adjustment to a new

sibling and to a new potty routine don’t occur at the same time. Stability at home

and child care allows children to focus their energy and concentration on

learning to use the toilet. Believe me; moving from diaper to toilet is enough

change to handle at any one time.

It’s also essential that you and everyone else who interacts with your child, such

as grandparents and child-care providers, adhere to a consistent toilet-training

plan. Home and child care must cooperatively plan and coordinate toilet training

efforts and consistently follow them. If all who care for children don’t support

each other's efforts, potty training is undermined. Haphazard potty-training

confuses kids and stretches the training period out much too long. It can even

Using the

toilet is

old hat to

you and me;

but for kids,

it’s a major

lifestyle

change!

result in larger problems like defiance, power struggles, constipation, and excessive fear of failure, apathy or regressive babylike

behavior. Mutual cooperation and consistent practices give children the guidance and self-confidence to achieve potty

competence.

In the early stages, toilet-training needs to be the focus of the household schedule, no exceptions. Daily schedules and activities

will have to revolve around training details. Under typical conditions of concentrated effort, toilet training can take two

weeks to three months, with some kids taking a little less time and others a little more. It’s not unusual for some children to

take up to four months to attain complete daytime toilet mastery.

Once your child is mostly toilet-trained, don’t be surprised if you encounter potty accidents or set-backs along the way; it’s

typical.And by the way, although there are many, many exceptions, the average age for girls to be fully toilet-trained is said to

be 29 months; the average for boys is 30 months.

If after two weeks of initial potty training your child is emphatically resistant and shows NO interest in cooperating, or doesn’t

seem to have a clue as to what you want, it’s best to put off training efforts until more readiness signs emerge.

A child’s apathy and resistance can be signs that you misjudged your child’s developmental window of opportunity for learning.

Or it could mean you need to chat with caregivers to see if training is consistent at child care. Perhaps mixed signals are

confusing your child about expectations.

Toddlers’ toilet mastery requires more complex skills than you may think. We can’t remember how we got out of diapers

ourselves, so it’s easy to forget how involved the task actually is! Here’s what children have to successfully master to use a toilet.

1. Feel the physical urge to eliminate, and pay attention to it. (Hard to do when playing.)

2. Understand the urge or sensation is a signal to eliminate: “Hey, I gotta go,NOW!”

3. Suppress the immediate urge — hold on until you reach the bathroom!

4. Let an adult know you need to get to the potty.

5. Get to the nearest toilet — quickly! (Challenging in a store or restaurant.)

6. Manage the bathroom or public restroom stall door.

7. Pull clothing down and out of the way.

8. Sit and balance on the potty, without falling backward, forward — or, heaven forbid, IN!

9. While on the toilet, not before or after, relax muscles to eliminate.

10. Maintain balance while reaching for toilet paper.

11. Reach up high for handle to flush.

12. Step up and lean over sink to wash and dry hands.

From a toddler’s viewpoint, all that is a lot to remember — especially, when for their ENTIRE time on earth, they’ve casually

let nature take its course in a diaper without ever giving it a second thought. And not only was doing their duty in the diaper

handy, but it came with mom and dad’s acceptance and permission! That is, until one day, parents turn the diapering-table

topsy-turvy and introduce toddlers to the whole new concept of using a toilet. Parenting Exchange library column,“Ditchin’

Diapers: Tips on Toilet Training” will help you begin that process.

development for the ISU Family and Consumer Sciences Department. For nine years she wrote a weekly parenting column in

Are words like “pee,”“tinkle,”,“poop,” and “BM” staples of your vocabulary? Have you

found yourself — stone serious — holding your child’s hand as you both look

down and wave “bye-bye” to a swirling toilet bowl and its newly fallen stool? If so,

you’re parenting a toddler, probably between 2 and 3 years old. Outsiders may find

it embarrassing when you talk openly about potty training, but parents of toddlers

know potty talk is serious business.

Mastering the toilet is a significant step for kids. For a brief time in life, it becomes

the central focus of mom and dad. In terms of child development, mastering toilet

training is one of childhood’s earliest rites of passage, ranking right up there with

learning to walk and talk. By learning to control body functions, toddlers step

toward independence, self-reliance, and personal responsibility. Pride in newfound

autonomy is children,s rightful reward.

Diaper-freedom has perks for parents and other caregivers, too. It frees up a portion

of the family budget. Not having to diaper and clean children several times a day

eases the time crunch of daily routines for parents and child care providers.

This column is the first in a Parenting Exchange series in which I’ll give tips on

toileting training. Share information with others who also care for your child —

whether they are teenage babysitters, grandparents, or child care teachers. You’ll

have to be cooperative and like-minded partners during the toilet training process.

When the road to diaper-freedom gets bumpy, you’ll be each other’s best support

system for coping with the occasional stress and frustration that can accompany

potty training, even in the best of situations.

Parents’ first challenge is to decide when a child is able and ready to begin learning

their way around the toilet. Developmental abilities,NOT precise chronological age,

provide the best clues as to an individual child’s readiness. Determining physical

readiness, such as strength of urinary tract and sphincter muscles to control

elimination, can be hard to judge. However, in most children, the PHYSICAL ability

to control those muscles has been achieved by age 2.

There’s much more for a parent to consider. Maturity and thinking ability also play

a role in identifying prime times for potty training. After all, it must be a child’s

CHOICE to use the toilet. It’s one of the few things kids have complete control

over. If they don’t have the mental capacity — or willingness — to cooperate,

there’s no way a parent can force potty training. And if parents do apply too much

pressure, they end up creating more potty-related problems than solutions.

Luckily, there are developmental milestones that parallel the ability to be toilettrained.

By keeping a watchful eye on child’s behavior, parents and caregivers can

judge the most promising time to begin toilet training.

Road marks include richer language development. Children are able to understand

more of what you say (called receptive language.) Their own communication skills

flower. They willingly follow simple directions.

By learning to

control body

functions,

toddlers

step toward

independence,

self-reliance,

and personal

responsibility.

Prime candidates for toilet training can notice sensations (such as the need to eliminate) and verbally describe them to caregivers.

They can tell caregivers when their diaper is wet, full, or even when they need a new one.

“Ready children” willingly cooperate with simple requests. They are able to put their own possessions where they belong.

(Knowing where body waste belongs will come more naturally if they already realize toys and clothing have their own special

places.)

Children who love imitating mom and dad are more likely to comply and be interested in using the toilet just like “big kids and

grown-ups.” A desire to be like older siblings or child care classmates can also play a role in motivating toilet learning.

Basic self-help skills, like being able to sit down on one’s own and pulling pants on and off mean children are prepared to handle

vital steps in the toilet using process. Likely candidates for toilet training also include children who have regular bowel movements,

stop playing during a BM, stay dry for two or more hours at a time, are dry after naps, and express a preference for being clean and

neat.

External indicators of physical development can also clue you into your child’s readiness to cooperate with potty-training. For

instance, you’ll observe better control, coordination, and balance in their motor abilities. Such abilities even prompt some kids to

begin taking their own diaper off when they notice it is dirty! The large motor development also leads to more running and

jumping up with two feet.

The social and emotional urge to “be a big kid now”may lead kids to ask for a bed like an older sibling’s. Transitions from high

chair to booster take on new importance. Self-help skills also emerge, showing children are interested in greater control over what

happens to them. Toddlers’ desire for increased self-reliance rings out as,“ME do it!” They will be interested in eating with utensils,

brushing teeth, dressing themselves, and helping with simple household chores.

During this transition to greater independence, children also work hard to create a unique identity for themselves, separate from

parents and caregivers. They begin demanding the right to make definite choices. They take any chance to express adamant

preferences.

An intrinsic drive for achievement stirs during toddlerhood. Working toward a goal and being cooperative with others provides

motivation for toilet training. Praise and encouragement take on greater significance.

All these developmental road marks are visible, behavioral ways two and three year olds reveal their internal drive for autonomy.

Alert caregivers will capitalize on that window of opportunity for toilet training. Muscular and intellectual development for the

ONSET of training is typically sufficient in most children between age two and three. Unless there are special needs or physical

problems, almost all kids are physically and mentally ready to begin toilet training by age three.

Spotting the teachable moment when children are eager to please mom and dad is important. However, even more important, is

capitalizing on children’s OWN internal motivation, their personal desire to experience the intrinsic satisfaction of their own

achievement and mastery. Once the desire to become toilet-capable and diaper-free is mutual. Toilet training is mostly a matter of

focus, patience, and consistency.

Throughout this series,we’ll get into the nitty-gritty particulars of toilet training. If you’re pondering potty training, record aspects

of your child’s development in a notebook. Observe your child as objectively as you can. Write down behaviors, attitudes, and

abilities that provide clues as to your child’s readiness — or lack of readiness — to successfully learn toilet usage. Ask your child’s

caregivers to do the same and compare notes to decide whether it’s prime time to introduce the potty or not. Other columns in

this series will start you on the road from there.

development for the ISU Family and Consumer Sciences Department. For nine years she wrote a weekly parenting column in

© Karen Stephens 2007

Setting the stage for children’s comfort and success in toilet training is important.

Three basics are required: a warm,well-lit bathroom, an accessible toilet your

child can easily sit upon, and an encouraging adult — that’s you!

Some parents provide a child-sized potty-chair. A potty chair takes away the fear

of falling off (or in!) a tall toilet and helps kids focus on the chore at hand. Other

parents prefer a toddler seat adapter that can be used with a standard household

toilet. If you use the bathroom toilet, provide a step stool. Kids can then rest their

feet on the step-stool. They feel more secure and have less fear of falling. I’ve

never heard of any market survey on which type toddlers prefer, potty seat or

seat adapter, so the choice is really yours.

Whichever way you go, it takes time for kids to be comfortable using the toilet

alone. In the beginning stages, they need you nearby to bolster their confidence

— and help the time pass should nature be slow in cooperating. Gently

encourage your child by coaching them on the specifics of toileting. Be

matter-of-fact, clear, and direct. Remember, it’s a very natural process common the

world over, so don’t act embarrassed or ashamed. And don’t assume your child

understands what’s happening; if she did, she wouldn’t need training! To be an

approachable parent, be as at ease and casual as you can be.

Kids can’t go on command, so set a basket of kids’ books beside the toilet to help

them wait patiently. If you want to provide a little more company, prop a doll

Alona Frankel, has a girl or boy doll with a potty that’s sold in a boxed set. Many

parents tell me the dolls can be motivating, so embrace the idea if it appeals to

your child.

Toilet training begins before your child actually switches from diapers to

underwear. Don’t just spring the idea of getting rid of the diaper. Prepare them

over a few weeks. Change their diaper frequently so they experience a dry feeling

as much as possible. When diapering children, tell them why you are doing it.

Talk about being wet or having a full diaper and how uncomfortable that can be.

By talking about this during diapering you are helping children learn to notice

sensations that will motivate them to stay dry. Talk about how pleasant it is to

have a clean, dry diaper. Help your child look forward to being a big helper by

using the toilet independently. Casually tell him how much it will help out when

he uses the potty instead of the diaper.

Before switching from diapers to underwear, help your child practice sitting on

the potty so they become used to it. It takes more balance than adults realize!

Some children balance best by sitting sideways. Others find it more stable to sit

backwards on the toilet so they don’t feel like they can fall back into the stool.

And by the way, in the beginning, it’s easier if boys sit on the toilet to urinate just

as girls do. Eventually boys learn to use the toilet standing up, just like papa.

Once developmental readiness signs are in full-bloom and the toileting steps are

familiar, make the switch to underwear during the daytime, at home as well as

Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel (New York:HarperCollins, 1999).

About the Author — Karen Stephens is director of Illinois State University Child Care Center and instructor in child

her local newspaper. Karen has authored early care and education books and is a frequent contributor to Exchange.